'carry on cannabis prohibition' farce to continue says Charles Clarke

HOME SECRETARY Charles Clarke has promised that the early 1970's comedy farce 'Carry On Cannabis Prohibition' is set to continue running on the BBC and other news channels at government expense, with back up articles and features in the newspapers, plus radio broadcasts, mobile phone downloads, internet 'fansites', 'podcasts', free DVD's and a spin off to be called 'Carry On Frankly."

This is despite the massive cost to tax payers, and the fact that almost no one in the country can be found who finds the tacky production either funny, or danceable, unlike the popular original 'Carry On Regardless' starring Sid James.

Clarke's shock announcement came in a speech to a government sponsored 'drugs convention', called "Tackling Drugs, Changing Lives', chaired by Jon Snow of Channel 4 News, held on Wednesday (Nov 30th) at a venue opposite the Houses of Parliament, which is owned by the abstensionist Methodist Church.

In his speech the Home Secretary also said "We must do all within our power to reduce the use of drugs, and reduce the harm they cause".

However, 'News of the Weed' can reveal that at the request of the Home Office, run by Charles Clarke, the tee total Methodists were asked to break with their strict traditions and serve alcoholic 'hot mulled wine' at the drugs conference, whose delegates included members of recovering alcoholic support projects, and 'Class A' drug 'user groups'.

The 'straight-edge' mystic methodists finally agreed to serve the mulled Home Office "devil's water", but only on one condition; each person could drink just one glass. This alcohol 'harm reduction' policy collapsed within minutes of the bar opening, proving once again that prohibition of any kind, even liberal and 'Class C' in nature, just does not work.

After his speech, which came with an amazing psycadelic lightshow, Charles Clarke was frankly questioned about his plans to continue forcing 'lifers' (people living in Britain), to watch the 'Carry On Cannabis Prohibition' program (and similar US imports) from morning to night, in what he ominously referred to as 'community prisons', (presumably this is home office jargon for housing estates and residential areas).

"Do we have a Drugs Problem, or a Prohibition Problem" asked DANNY Kuslick of the enlightened 'Transform' drug policy reform organization; "We are not tackling drugs, we are tackling prohibition, at a cost of £20 billion a year."
• Check out Transform's excellent statement on the reclassification of cannabis.

I simply don't agree" said Charles Clarke, "I do not believe consumption would go down if we made drugs legal."

Charles Clarke is worried that if he legalises cannabis, consumption will go up, but he forgets an important fact: most people who try cannabis do not like it! They experiment, often as teenagers, but discover it is not for them.

Anyone who wants to take cannabis in Britain is already doing so, unless their dealer is not answering their mobile. But, according to the governments own figures, consumption is going down.

Currently in Britain about 45% of teenagers try cannabis, but far less adults use it on a regular basis. This is mirrored by the Home Secretaries very own case: he tried cannabis as a teenager, but did not continue, instead preferring to drink, like many members of the House of Commons.

• Whispered to 'News of the Weed' at the conference: "The consumption of alcohol in the bars at the Houses of Parliament has doubled." Hopefully they will not all end up like George Best, who would still be alive if he had only stuck to cannabis like the Hippies, and avoided booze like the Methodists.

'News of the Weed' says:

Charles Clarke is a well meaning politician who also wants his party to win the next election. We want him to have a successful drug policy. Lives, families and whole communities are at stake.

The key to success in drug policy requires having the courage of the convictions he claims. He says he cares about young people, about the victims of crime, and communities of every day working people all over the country.

In that case he must have the pure-and-simple guts required to take the sale and distribution of currently illegal drugs out of the hands of the gangsters who dominate the lives of thousands.

He needs to reverse the chaos caused by Thatcher's biggest 'privatization'; that of the British heroin, cocaine and cannabis transportation and distribution industries, which took off under her leadership, and have boomed ever since.

The only way to do this is by ending prohibition (a charter for crime) through legalization, with regulated distribution via doctors, clinics, therapists and responsible 'user groups'.

In the case of cannabis, there should be licensed clinics for medical supply, and licensed premises for recreational use and supply.

We must do all within our power to reduce the abuse of drugs, and reduce the harm they can cause.